Single Parent or Superhero? By Heidi Smith Luedtke

• Drive school carpool.
• Go to work.
• Lunch break? Pay bills and schedule doctor visits.
• Supervise homework.
• Take out trash.
• Cook dinner.
• Send email.
• Referee family squabbles.
• Make cookies for the class party.

Single parents have important (and seemingly endless) responsibilities. And unless you have super powers, the stress of doing it all yourself can leave you lonely and exhausted. But asking for assistance isn’t easy.

“It feels good to be on top of things, to be firing on all cylinders,” says Donna Genett, PhD, author of Help Your Kids Get it Done Right at Home and at School (Quill Driver Books). You may thrive on the rush of adrenaline you get from a too-busy schedule, and being recognized for doing it all may be intensely gratifying.

Asking for help takes courage, humility and coordination, says Suzanne Harrington, M.A., a counselor who works with children, parents, and families. As a single parent, you may feel you’ve failed if you need help from others, especially because there continues to be a social stigma around parenting solo. Parents want to feel competent and in-control, so admitting we need support is difficult.

You may feel you have few resources for help. “Today’s families are quite isolated from extended family and community,” says Harrington. “Those people we might naturally turn to for help are not as accessible as they once were.” Grandparents may be busy with their own lives or unwilling to take on childcare responsibilities. And feelings of mistrust or concerns that help-seeking would be used against you in an acrimonious custody dispute may prevent you from asking your ex-spouse for assistance.

Listen Up, Stressed-Out Superheroes
Even if you’ve got it under control, doing it all yourself isn’t wise. Being a single parent can be overwhelming, and you miss opportunities to connect when you don’t ask for help. Social support diminishes the negative health effects of stress, including coronary disease and immune suppression, and boosts your sense of personal balance and well-being. You’ll have more energy and a more positive outlook if you develop a team of trusted helpers around you.

Our kids also learn important lessons from our help seeking
behavior. When you share responsibilities with others, you model reciprocity, humbleness, and gratitude, says Harrington. And you give kids exposure to other adult role models you
respect. The helping community you create for your kids will likely inspire them to pitch in, too.

Even young children want to feel like important members of the household, says Genett. When you give kids meaningful responsibilities, you help them build competence and experience the sense of accomplishment and belonging. And isn’t that what every parent wants for their kids?

Discovering the Joys of Teamwork
Slow down, superhero. Follow these steps to reach out and reconnect with sources of support.

Identify Needs
Start out by figuring out what concrete help would be most beneficial. Perhaps you need childcare so you can work, attend school, get counseling, or just relax. Maybe a nutritious home-cooked meal one night a week would lighten your load and brighten your spirits. The more specific your request, the better.

Brainstorm Buddies
Develop a list of resources, including family and friends, and church and community services. Don’t be afraid to put formal sources of support, such as counseling groups, on your list. Individual or group therapy can help you heal after divorce and learn to thrive as a single parent.

Play to Others’ Strengths
Consider who is best at what and take preferences into account. If the kids’ grandparents get frazzled by babysitting, they might prefer to host a family dinner once a week to stay involved and give you a break. That’s okay. You want this to be a win-win situation.

Make it Mutual
Figure out how you might reciprocate. Exchanges don’t have to be exact – you can swap babysitting for piano lessons if that works for everyone. And you don’t have to give back immediately, just pay it forward when you can. You’ll feel stronger and more connected when you give and accept help.

Help Kids Help You
Determine what kinds of contributions are age-appropriate for each child, Genett says. Your six-year-old may be too young to vacuum, but she can set the table or sort the recycling. Older kids can take turns folding laundry or helping put away
groceries. Be sure to praise kids for work well-done.

Be Clear and Optimistic
Avoid misunderstandings by explaining exactly what you want. If cleaning the bathroom means towels hung up neatly, bath toys picked up, toilet and tub scrubbed, and floor mopped, say so. Specificity sets helpers up for success and increases the likelihood a potential helper will say “yes” to your request.

Praise Progress
You may not get the results you want right away, but recognize others’ efforts anyway. When you’re sure they know how much you appreciate their help, explain how they could improve. Then say thanks again.

The pressure to be a single-parent-superhero can be strong, and letting go isn’t easy. As you turn over some responsibility to others, you may miss the rush and recognition you got from doing it all single-handedly, Genett warns. But stay the course. Remind yourself that everyone benefits when we make connections and support one another. Take pride in the caring (and super helpful) community you’ve created for yourself and your kids.

Heidi Smith Luedtke is a psychologist and mom who role plays daunting social situations with the family dog. You can find her blog on parenting as a leadership experience at www.LeadingMama.com.