Parenting Stress: Don’t Dial 911 Yet By Lori L. Ellis, PhD The Behavioral Advantage LLC

What is Stress?
It is common to hear people complain that they are stressed out. What exactly is stress? We could refer to the dictionary for a definition but in short, stress is a feeling of inadequacy in coping with a real or imagined threat.

Why do I get Stressed?
Stress involves reacting to a stressor(s). Stressors are those events or situations which cause one to feel tense or strained (stressed). There are numerous categories from which stressors stem, amongst them are: frustrations, conflicts, pressures and just daily life.

Frustrations are felt when a person is unable to meet his or her needs because it is blocked by obstacles (e.g., I need to get my child to his soccer game but my car won’t start). Frustrations lead to feelings of low self-worth and incompetence.

Conflicts can be internal and/or external. External conflicts refer to those arguments/fights that one has with peers, families, spouses, etc. Internal conflicts occur when one has to make a choice between two or more options that have arisen. Once a choice is made, frustration can be felt because of the restrictions of that choice. During the choice-making process, the thinking and emotional minds are strained.

Pressures can also be internal or external and usually result in a real or perceived need to change the direction in which one is heading to achieve an ultimate goal.

An example of an external pressure is when parents have their first child. They are under the pressure of many external pressures (e.g., they hear from experts the characteristics of “good” parents). An internal pressure is when parents push themselves to do well to the extreme. Self-induced pressure, or high motivation, sometimes results in unnecessary stress if time or energy is not managed and one’s life becomes unbalanced (i.e. all work and no play!).

Daily Life stressors are those everyday experiences such as the school calling because your child is experiencing problems at school, managing your schedule, helping with homework at the end of the day, begging your children to eat, shower, get dressed, and the list goes on and on. It should come as no surprise that these stressors influence your child-rearing.

I’m Not a Good Parent
Stress is only one piece of the picture in parenting. Add to stress your perceptions and attitudes. These contribute to how you handle a stressful situation. I have a friend who considers hosting dinner parties thrilling and loves everything involved in the event. I on the other hand, find hosting dinner parties to be difficult and rather frightening experiences. Stress is not only associated with an event but with how you handle stressors as well. Learning to handle stressors involves a process of learning different choices or responses to stressors. Should I need to host a dinner party, I will need to learn ways to handle the stressors of hosting a dinner party to be successful.

Today, more often than not, both parents need to work to manage their household. The routine challenges and responsibilities of raising children for two-career families are staggering. Remember, you are basically learning to be a parent on a daily basis. Becoming a parent at all is stressful.

What are the Effects of Being a Stressed Parent?
Most of you would expect an ABC list of effects at this point and it would be easy to give you such a list. Instead let’s use an example to explain the effects of stress on you and your child.

Getting dressed for school is often a stressful time because naturally children don’t feel or experience the same urgency as you the parent experiences. The stressed parent speaks in a harsh tone, shows anger on their face, becomes intimidating in their statements and does not let go of the anger toward the child during the ride to school. All too often, the stressed parent’s handling of a situation leads to misbehavior in their child (e.g., whining or a tantrum). The stressed parent is more likely to forget praising their children all together when good behavior is displayed. They only react to misbehavior and they react in a negative way. It is hard to catch your child being good and praise them while you are stressed and on the lookout for misbehavior.

What Can I Do About Parenting Stress?
The Behavioral Advantage’s goal is to help parents manage and reduce their parental stress thereby increasing the chances for two things to occur. One, reduce the effects of stress on their children. Two, reduce the possibilities of life’s stressors interfering with administering a behavior plan for changing their child’s behavior thereby bringing about family unity.

In closing, let me leave you with a quote from Diane Loomans who wrote, “If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again.”
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I’d finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging and less tugging.

Lori L. Ellis, PhD is the owner of The Behavioral Advantage LLC.